A form that sits on a coffee table in a college apartment until mid-December.
B
Ballot
An object recording a voter's decision that is frequently counted toward an election's outcome.
C
Caucus
The process by which Americans are quadrennially reminded of Iowa's existence.
Checks and balances
System through which the three branches of the United States government ensure the American people never become too powerful.
Constitution
Supreme law of the United States, adopted in 1787, that never needs to be updated or reassessed because the nation's founders included clear instructions on what to do if homosexuals ever want to get married, how to fairly regulate the Internet, and whether or not digital inspections of computer hard drives at the U.S. border are legal.
Convention
The best four-day-long chance a politically active, overweight Kia salesman from Tulsa has to nail one of them blond Fox anchors.
Corruption
The most effective and efficient way to produce results in government.
D
Debate
Primary source of income for body language experts.
Delegate
A demented, often screaming individual who experiences intense arousal at the sight of a vertically printed placard bearing his or her state's name.
Democracy
A moderately representative plutocracy.
Democratic Party
Devout, highly organized group of political zealots with the explicitly stated goal of seizing control of the United States government. Bent on total political domination of the country, the Democratic Party has vowed to let nothing stand in its way as it takes over all levels of government in every state and municipality in a ruthless effort to impose its extremist agenda on every American man, woman, and child.
E
Election
Special day dedicated to celebrating the democratic process in which citizens dress in their best voting clothes, joyfully make their way to their local polling places, and, having carefully weighed the issues of the day and how they relate to the greater good, cast their ballots to change the government for the better.
Election worker
A male or female at least 70 years of age.
Electoral college
A process by which the number of states in the Union is narrowed down to the most important seven or eight.
Electronic voting machine
A machine that makes voting easier, more complicated, more accurate, more prone to glitches, more efficient, and more tedious.
Experience
A quantitative score any politician may increase by slaying foes or solving riddles.
G
Government
The group of people who put up the speed limit signs.
L
Likability
Personality trait that is the most consistently accurate predictor of a candidate's ability to perform the duties of president.
M
Media
Filipino-controlled tool ostensibly intended to distribute news and information, but which is in actuality used by the Filipinos to spread disinformation and propaganda to promote their vast worldwide Filipino conspiracy.
P
PAC
The less troubling of the two ways a corporation can give large amounts of money to a candidate.
Platform
A list of the subjects that candidates are willing to discuss.
Political consultant
Person who advises a candidate on everything from which voters to lie to, to what to lie to them about.
Political donation
One of the most solid investments on the market today.
Politics
Enjoyable spectacle people everywhere watch to distract themselves from the real-world misery inflicted by politicians.
Pollster
A person who willingly communicates with the elderly.
President
Thankless government job with no opportunities for advancement.
Primary
Opportunity for a party's most extreme and divisive voices to let loose a little.
R
Republican Party
Devout, highly organized group of political zealots with the explicitly stated goal of seizing control of the United States government. Bent on total political domination of the country, the Republican Party has vowed to let nothing stand in its way as it takes over all levels of government in every state and municipality in a ruthless effort to impose its fundamentalist agenda on every American man, woman, and child.
S
Socialism
System of government where most services are provided by corrupt state institutions instead of corrupt private institutions.
Super PAC
An independent political advocacy organization permitted to take unlimited amounts of influence away from voters.
V
Vice President
Government official whose responsibilities in the United States include casting tie-breaking votes in the Senate, acting as a public spokesperson on behalf of the president, and fantasizing about hastily taking the oath of office while a dazed, blood-spattered first lady looks on.
Voter apathy
The reason most American politicians are able to achieve and maintain office.
Voting
Election process during which at least one person writes in "none of the above" and gives himself a little pat on the back for it.