Man At Point Where Thought Of Reince Priebus Controlling White House Pretty Comforting
DENVER—Growing increasingly unsettled at the president-elect’s choice of advisors and the prospect of life under a Donald Trump administration, local resident Paul Austin told reporters Monday he was at the point where the thought of Reince Priebus controlling the White House was actually fairly comforting.More
America Chooses The Glass Ceiling: A Look Back At Hillary Clinton’s Presidential Campaign
Report: It Still Nowhere Near Okay To Act Like Donald Trump
ITHACA, NY—In the hours since the Republican nominee’s stunning election to the nation’s highest office Tuesday night, reports have confirmed that, regardless of circumstance, it is not even remotely close to okay to act like Donald Trump.More
The Election Of Donald Trump: A Candidate Who United Every American Intolerance
Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands
WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.More
What Lessons America Can Learn From This Election Cycle
With the 2016 presidential election now concluded after 18 months, Americans can look back for lessons on how to move forward as a nation. Here’s what the nation can learn from this election cycleMore
America Not Sure It Will Have Enough Revulsion And Horror Left For Cabinet, Court Appointments
WASHINGTON—Telling reporters they felt completely depleted after spending the past 36 hours contemplating a Donald Trump presidency, Americans across the country admitted Thursday they were unsure whether they would have enough revulsion and horror left in them to agonize over his forthcoming cabinet and court appointments.More
How To Talk To Your Child About The Election Results
Here’s some advice for talking to your child about the shocking outcome of the 2016 presidential electionMore
Area Liberal No Longer Recognizes Fanciful, Wildly Inaccurate Mental Picture Of Country He Lives In
CHICAGO—Expressing dismay and confusion over voters selecting Donald Trump as the next president of the United States, area liberal Ryan Garlock reportedly told a group of his friends Wednesday that he no longer recognizes his fanciful, wildly inaccurate mental picture of the country he lives in.More
‘Donald Trump Is The 45th President Of The United States,’ Spontaneously Reports Subconscious During First Calm Moment Of Day
NEW YORK—During the first brief moment of calm that she had felt since she awoke, local woman Jennifer Gibson’s subconscious reportedly fired off a spontaneous reminder Wednesday that Donald Trump will be the nation’s next commander-in-chief.More
Exhausted, Defeated Voters Finally Beginning To Relate To Hillary Clinton
WASHINGTON—Explaining that they have finally started to feel a connection with the Democratic Party nominee, millions of defeated and utterly exhausted voters admitted to reporters Wednesday they are now starting to relate to Hillary Clinton.More
Report: Things Finally As Bad As Trump Claims
WASHINGTON—Following Donald Trump’s stunning victory in the general election early Wednesday morning, political experts confirmed that conditions in the United States are now finally as bad as the Republican nominee has long claimed.More
Man Wearing ‘Jewmerica’ T-Shirt Never Dreamed He’d See This Day
SAND SPRINGS, OK—Feeling a mixture of intense pride and abject disbelief after news networks called the 2016 presidential election in favor of Donald Trump, local man Terry Williams, who is currently wearing a T-shirt adorned with the word “Jewmerica,” told reporters late Tuesday night that he never dreamed he’d see this day during his lifetime.More
Nation Throws Off Tyrannical Yoke Of Moderate Respect For Women
WASHINGTON—Political experts are hailing Donald Trump’s historic presidential victory early Wednesday as a resounding declaration that the nation is finally ready to cast off the tyrannical yoke of moderate respect for women that has suffocated the citizens of this country for generations.More
Nation Elects First Black-Hearted President
WASHINGTON—Shattering a barrier long thought unbreakable in the United States, Donald Trump, the 70-year-old billionaire real estate mogul from New York, became the first black-hearted man in history to win the American presidency, in the early hours of Wednesday morning.More
Nation’s Optimists Need To Shut The Fuck Up Right Now
WASHINGTON—Saying their rosy attitude about the state of the election was not helping anything given what is currently transpiring, sources confirmed Tuesday night that the nation’s optimists need to seriously shut the fuck up as soon as humanly fucking possible.More
Election Night Orgy Shifts Positions So Everyone Can See Results Come In
Wolf Blitzer Walks Into Middle Of Olive Garden Commercial To Announce Breaking Election Results
NEW YORK—Briskly striding into frame and interrupting a jubilant family meal, CNN anchor Wolf Blitzer reportedly entered the middle of an Olive Garden commercial airing during the network’s election coverage Tuesday night to announce a late-breaking election result.More
