Best Of January 2016

1. 
   Nation Fondly Recalls When Just Regulating Video Games Seemed Like Solution To Gun Violence

   
2. 
   God Refuses To Grant Any More Transcendent Near-Death Experiences To People Who Crash Snowmobiles

   
3. 
   You To Still Die One Day

   
4. 
   Khalid Sheikh Mohammed Reluctantly Accepts Alternative Sentence Of Coaching Troublesome Youth Sports Team

   
5. 
   Chicago Police Department To Monitor All Interactions With Public Using New Bullet Cams

   

1. 
   Corn Added To List Of Items That Upset Grandma’s Stomach

   
2. 
   High School Bully Worried Victims Will Realize He Actually Retarded Faggot Himself

   
3. 
   Disney World Opens New Ordeal Kingdom For Family Meltdowns

   
4. 
   Woman Feels Like She’s Finally Ready To Start Receiving Unsolicited Vulgar Messages Again

   
5. 
   Monsanto Lab On Lockdown After Scientists Find Shattered Tomato Containment Unit

   

1. 
   Pajama-Clad Child Makes Turbulent Rampage Through Dinner Party

   
2. 
   34-Year-Old Man May As Well Keep Pursuing Dream At This Point