Best Of August 2016

1. 
   Experts Advise Against Throwing Laptop Across Office Even Though It Will Feel Incredible

   
2. 
   Performers Frantically Trying To Incorporate Spewing Sewage Pipe Into Rio Opening Ceremony

   
3. 
   New Poll Finds 80% Of Americans Would Just Fucking Destroy Pan Of Brownies

   
4. 
   Ayatollah Khamenei Addresses Tehran Prison Mess Hall During Annual Press Correspondents’ Dinner

   
5. 
   Study: Average Person’s Enjoyment Of Vacation Drops 36% For Each Additional Family Member Present

   

1. 
   Queen Elizabeth Hoping She Dies Before Having To Knight Any DJs

   
2. 
   Obama Clears 2,000 Square Miles Of U.S. Airspace For New Free-Range Drone Preserve

   
3. 
   New Domino’s App Allows Customer To Track Pizza’s Movement Through Digestive System

   
4. 
   ‘I Can’t Do This Anymore,’ Think 320 Million Americans Quietly Going About Day

   
5. 
   Report: More American Fifth-Graders Taking Gap Year To Unwind Before Middle School

   

1. 
   Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

   
2. 
   Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customer’s First Attempt At Pipe Bomb