Best of 2016
Special Sections
Year In Review
Those We Lost In 2016
View SlideshowThose We Lost In 2016
PrinceThe rock star behind classic albums like Purple Rain and Sign O’ The Times is survived by the 4.5 percent of American citizens who were conceived to his music.
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Harper LeeThe Pulitzer Prize–winning author died this year only two installments into her epic 15-part To Kill A Mockingbird saga.
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Muhammad AliThe legendary boxer finally achieved his lifelong goal this year of not dying in Vietnam.
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Antonin ScaliaDied fittingly in the same year as his beloved Constitution.
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David BowieAfter the legendary performer’s passing on January 10, the pressure quickly mounted for Facebook users across the world to find an exemplary but not too well-known Bowie song to post in tribute.
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Leonard CohenThe singer-songwriter passed away peacefully in the knowledge that he’ll never have to hear another cover of “Hallelujah” ever again.
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Arnold PalmerDied of complications stemming from a 1970 double bogey.
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Gene WilderFamously kept his illness under wraps so as not to upset his young fans, so if any of them are reading this, Gene’s doing great!
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Glenn FreySure, Glenn Frey dying maybe wasn’t the happiest occasion to text our dad about, but it just felt good to be able to connect over something, even for a moment.
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Janet RenoThe former U.S. attorney general sadly passed away with 46,832 murders from her tenure still left unsolved.
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Archangel RaphaelThe 14,156-year-old supernatural being was killed in Heaven during the Battle of the 4th Gate when his armor was pierced by three arrows from infernal archers.
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Top Tech Gadgets Of 2016
View SlideshowTop Tech Gadgets Of 2016
Google PixelGoogle aimed to compete with Apple’s popular iPhone by releasing the definitive typical smartphone with all the standard features.
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Amazon EchoThis groundbreaking smarthome system lets people use voice commands to play music, ask questions, and order products during the five-second intervals they’re not within arm’s length of their laptop or smartphone.
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Intrauterine DeviceNothing captured the spirit of 2016 like having an IUD inserted in the frenzied final few months of the year.
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iPhone 7The latest generation of Apple’s smartphone introduced several exciting new defects to be fixed by the iPhone 8.
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Woman’s Spherical VelocipedeA source of jollity and beguilement for women of all ages, this patented Great Novel-ty provides celeritous transportation at an economy unrivaled the world round! Invigorating, inspiriting, and corpulency-reducing—why, it is just the thing!
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Samsung Galaxy Note 7This easy-to-use IED doubles as a cellular phone.
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Amazon Kindle VRThis cutting-edge virtual reality headset immerses the user in an incredible 360-degree view of any novel, memoir, or reference book available on Kindle.
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Drone FeederThis year, many discovered the joy of hanging a feeder outside their kitchen window and watching as drones from all over their local area were drawn to their backyard.
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Pittsburgh Steelers Portable SpeakerSucceeding where many before them had failed, engineers at Bose were finally able to put the Steelers’ logo on a speaker.
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Rubber BandWe were afraid we would have to get a new TV remote after we broke the cover on the back and the battery kept falling out, but this little baby’s holding it in like a charm.
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ShelterThere’s no way around it: To those who can afford it, shelter completely changes the way you live
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Much Older Men We Dated In 2016
View SlideshowMuch Older Men We Dated In 2016
DavidSure, David was quite a bit older, but he had these deep blue eyes and was one of the most skilled and generous lovers we’ve ever had. We’ll never forget that weekend in Narragansett.
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StephenSo what if he was 32 when we were born? Stephen was a really sweet guy.
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RichardRichard’s not even that old. Our mom freaked out because his kid’s 27, but he just had her young.
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PeterDecades older than us.
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HowardThat passionate gaze, the brooding silences—we knew from the beginning we were only drawn to Howard because he reminded us of Conrad, but maybe that’s okay sometimes.
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ThomasIt never would’ve lasted, but in those few short weeks with Thomas, he brought the flower of our womanhood to full blossom.
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MarkMark was intelligent, worldly, and kind. We really could see ourselves with him long term. But within a couple months, it was clear he was still in love with his wife who had passed several years before, and no matter how much he said he loved us, he would never look at us the same way.
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IvanHis trembling hands had been seasoned by decades of labor, but there was such strength in his softness. We’d never known such tenderness—that is, until we met Conrad.
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Becca’s DadGod, we can’t even look her in the eye anymore.
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HenryProved that age is nothing but a number, at least until the stroke.
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MelvinAh, sweet Melvin.
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GlennWe left Glenn because we wanted a taste of the high life, but now we’d trade all these nights of champagne and limousines just to feel his soft caresses again.
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ConradOur sweet prince.
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Top Newsmakers Of 2016
View SlideshowTop Newsmakers Of 2016
Hillary ClintonThe nation breathed a sigh of relief after this terminally ill, on-the-lam felon nearly hijacked the federal government.
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Anthony WeinerThe disgraced Democrat proved wrong hundreds of critics who told him he would never have a role in politics again.
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Simone BilesHas yet to come down after vaulting into the air during the 2016 Rio Olympics.
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Donald TrumpLook, you knew this one was coming. Might as well get it out of the way now so you can enjoy the rest of this list.
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Roger AilesWas dismissed from his post as chairman of Fox News when allegations he sexually harassed numerous female employees surprisingly took this long to surface.
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Javor StrnadHaving penned a string of influential and popular election articles this fall, the Slovenian 15-year-old living in the city of Kranj proved to the world that journalism is still relevant.
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Eric TrumpThe tallest of the Trump children, Eric is remarkable for being the tallest of the Trump children.
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James ComeyComey’s involvement in the Clinton email scandal overshadowed what was an otherwise great year for the FBI director, one that saw him take up painting, go on a life-changing trip to India, and really connect with his daughter Claire for the first time.
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GrandmaShe cooked a pretty darn near perfect Thanksgiving dinner this year, and that’s the only 2016 event we can deal with right now.
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Soirées That Wendell, Our Damnable Oaf Of A Manservant, Ruined In 2016
View SlideshowSoirées That Wendell, Our Damnable Oaf Of A Manservant, Ruined In 2016
Botanical Society GalaBotanical Society Gala: How many times had we told this incorrigible halfwit that he would be seating none other than the very Duke of Northshire himself? And yet no more than a blink of a babe’s eye passes upon the duke’s arrival before the buffoon calls him “Baron,” a title most below his station! Ooh, what a spectacular imbecile our Wendell is! That dreadful bungler!
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Reginald And Gladys Barrymore’s Harvest BallReginald And Gladys Barrymore’s Harvest Ball: That accursed dolt failed to inform us that it was a masquerade ball—a piece of knowledge most vital—and we arrived unmasked, our naked face known to all!
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Templeton’s 58th Birthday PartyTempleton’s 58th Birthday Party: Poor Templeton has certainly had a difficult enough time as it is, what with the palsy and all, and the last thing he needed was Wendell bringing out the fricassee a full quarter-hour late! The mule-headed dunce!
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The Monthly Gathering Of The Suffolk Ladies GuildThe Monthly Gathering Of The Suffolk Ladies Guild: The thoughtless simpleton filled several of the ladies’ glasses with such an excessive volume of chartreuse that several drops of the elixir spilled onto the Oriental rug. Only a jest by Madam Wright that she had been poured “an entire hand—rather than a finger—of drink” could disperse the mood.
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The Gattiwicks’ Midsummer BallThe Gattiwicks’ Midsummer Ball: The festivities were brought to a most abrupt and utter halt after that ignoble lout accidentally shut the grand piano lid upon his own fingers. Wendell, you incompetent lummox!
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The Abernathy CotillionThe Abernathy Cotillion: We so looked forward to the privilege of Lord Covington’s dignified presence at this spring’s most exquisite fete! But oh, how crimson we went in shame upon arriving to what should have been an occasion most joyous, only to find that the witless mooncalf had polished the silverware with insufficient care! We dared not even be seen by Lord Covington in the company of silverware so sullied, and we fled into the handmaiden’s quarters at once, where we spent the rest of the eve!
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Spring Garden PartySpring Garden Party: This was to be the event of the season, replete with the finest casks of aged port, the most inviting preserved fruits, and esteemed guests from as far away as Wiltshire. And so it was that Wendell, the lumbering clod, tripped over his own elephantine hooves while carrying out the roast suckling pig, spilling it onto the ambassador and his delegation and sending the whole lot careening into the fountain.
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Surprise Birthday Celebration For Miss Agatha PoundSurprise Birthday Celebration For Miss Agatha Pound: This was a twofold failure on that woodenheaded dullard’s part. First, he let slip to Miss Agatha when we chanced to happen upon her at Edward Kensington’s Name Day Feast that we would be seeing her Saturday next, causing her to question what the occasion was and nearly ruining the surprise. Second, that fool had not laid out the proper trousers on the night of the party, causing us to lose dear time when he had to fetch the correct pair, so when our carriage finally pulled into the entrance of the Pounds’ estate, who should be arriving concurrently but Miss Agatha herself, thus sabotaging the surprise absolutely! It makes us cross thinking about it to this moment!
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The Governor’s ReceptionThe Governor’s Reception: During the annual festival for which those of a suitable standing within the community congregate to discuss matters political and literary, Wendell, bumbling as they come, lit his jacket ablaze while attending to a tabletop candelabra. What an unpleasant distraction it was to our discourse to have Wendell writhing about, squawking and aflame! The look of irritation on the count’s and countess’ faces was enough to make one’s blood curdle! Lucky for us, the conflagration burnt Wendell to considerable disfigurement, so much so that we do believe he may have learned his lesson about proper, respectful service once and for all.
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Top TV Shows Of 2016
View SlideshowTop TV Shows Of 2016
O.J.: Made In AmericaO.J.: Made In America: This comprehensive ESPN Films documentary examined all the sociopolitical and cultural elements surrounding O.J. Simpson’s infamous 1994 murder trial, transporting viewers back to an era of America that contained racism, sexism, police misconduct, and a dysfunctional legal system.
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The Night OfThe Night Of: The HBO miniseries featured standout performances from Riz Ahmed and John Turturro, though viewers were left wondering how the show would have been different if the late James Gandolfini had played every one of the show’s characters as was originally intended before his death.
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Stranger ThingsStranger Things: Gave Netflix another couple months of freedom from having to add any more good movies.
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Big ManBig Man: Kevin James is finally back on television as Big Man, a large man who often behaves in a humorous manner while interacting with his wife, Skinny Woman.
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TransparentTransparent: The third season of the Amazon show was acclaimed for reinventing the east-Los-Angeles-Jewish-family-drama-dealing-with-transgender-issues genre.
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The PalaceThe Palace: The best television show that no one’s watching, producing, writing, or starring in.
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Game Of ThronesGame Of Thrones: This adult-oriented HBO adaptation of the classic children’s game musical chairs continues to dazzle audiences despite the many liberties it’s taken with the source material.
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Amy & AmyAmy & Amy: Can two best friends share one name? Thursdays, 6 p.m. E.T. on the Disney Channel.
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The AmericansThe Americans: The FX drama’s fourth season had even more of the action, intrigue, and coded messages delivered specifically to us explaining how star Keri Russell wants us to kidnap her to be our bride that fans have come to expect.
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Worst Things We Spilled On Our Shirt In 2016
View SlideshowWorst Things We Spilled On Our Shirt In 2016
Queso DipQueso Dip: Stupid tortilla chip broke and fell straight down onto our chest.
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Spicy MustardSpicy Mustard: Didn’t discover it until it had dried. Walked around like a goddamn idiot all afternoon.
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MayonnaiseMayonnaise: Thank fucking God this blended in okay, because we were not going home to change.
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Marinara SauceMarinara Sauce: Ugh, this was fucking awful. Rubbing at it only made it worse.
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Soy SauceSoy Sauce: God, right down the middle of our shirt. Just fucking great.
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Cocktail SauceCocktail Sauce: Couldn’t even get it out, so it completely ruined our shirt. That was a good shirt, too. Goddammit!
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Something Reddish?Something Reddish?: Not even sure what this was, but when we took our shirt off at the end of the day, there it fucking was.
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Marinara Sauce AgainMarinara Sauce Again: For fuck’s sake!
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Slice Of Sausage-And-Pepper PizzaSlice Of Sausage-And-Pepper Pizza: The whole damn hunk of cheese slid off the slice onto our shirt. God, we’re stupid.
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ProseccoProsecco: Actually, this dried, and it didn’t look terrible.
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ToothpasteToothpaste: The fucking intern pointed it out in the middle of the sales meeting.
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WaterWater: Sure, it came out no problem, but we don’t think we need to tell you that sitting through half of Zootopia with half a sopping-wet shirt really sucks.
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Mom’s AshesMom’s Ashes: Unbelievable.
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Top Quotes Of 2016
View SlideshowTop Quotes Of 2016
Hillary Clinton“Why the fuck do you want me to do a speech in Wisconsin?” –Hillary Clinton
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Noam Chomsky“As humans, we must ask ourselves how much of our own bodies we could reasonably eat without dying.” –Noam Chomsky
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Chris Wallace“Mr. Trump, if I…please, Mist-–could…if I could just…but getting back to th–Mr. Trump…” –Chris Wallace
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Melania Trump“Silence is the most powerful scream.” –Melania Trump
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Anthony Bourdain“I’m hoping that after a few more meals, I’ll have enough saved up to never eat again.” –Anthony Bourdain
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James Comey“Five bucks says that not even another investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails could sink her chances of being president.” –James Comey
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Ellen DeGeneres“Tune in tomorrow for Allison Janney, Usain Bolt, and Shawn Mendes!” – Ellen DeGeneres
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Tom Hanks“Hanks. H-A-N-K-S. Yes, I’ll hold.” –Tom Hanks
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Neil deGrasse Tyson“If the night sky is like a hot fudge sundae and the stars are like sprinkles, then I say the human race should dig right in!” –Neil deGrasse Tyson
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Donald Trump“I’m going to do all the awful things I’m talking about on this campaign. Listen to me—you’re not listening. All these terrible things that you’re all saying I might not do when I’m president? I’m going to do them. And a bunch of worse stuff, too. Are you paying attention to this? I will 100 percent do every one of them. They are really, actually going to happen.” –Donald Trump
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Comments Section Arguments We Clearly Won In 2016
View SlideshowComments Section Arguments We Clearly Won In 2016
IMDb, Whether Ocean’s Twelve Is A Good MovieIMDb, Whether Ocean’s Twelve Is A Good Movie: Sure, it may not be the best movie of all time, but it certainly wasn’t the “two hours of NO PLOT” that BMXfuego said it was. Not sure if he was a troll or what, but after about 18 or 20 comments back and forth, it didn’t even matter, because we clearly showed that George Clooney’s performance as Danny Ocean was even better this time around, and that BMXfuego was a total dumbfuck for saying it wasn’t.
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Reddit, Relative Attractiveness Of The O.C. Cast MembersReddit, Relative Attractiveness Of The O.C. Cast Members: We still have no clue what surfer_headrush was even thinking. After posting a few links to photos of Rachel Bilson to support our case, he shut up pretty quickly. A bunch of other people on the thread agreed with us, so it was obvious that we won that argument easily.
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YouTube, Best Incubus AlbumYouTube, Best Incubus Album: Pretty clearly laid out to everyone in the comments section of the “Paper Mario Playthrough - Part 1” video why the tight focus and experimental textures of Light Grenades make it a far superior album to roachdaddy4x2x0’s favorite, Morning View. He didn’t even comment back, so he knew we were right.
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TripAdvisor, Whether Disney World’s “Meet Aladdin And Jasmine” Experience Is Worth ItTripAdvisor, Whether Disney World’s “Meet Aladdin And Jasmine” Experience Is Worth It: People had given this complete waste of time five stars, so we had to leave the definitive negative review. No TripAdvisor user is going to visit Aladdin and Jasmine after reading what a disappointment this experience is. Still can’t believe we waited in line 30 minutes for it.
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AnimeNation, Relationships In Yaoi Vs. Yuri Manga:AnimeNation, Relationships In Yaoi Vs. Yuri Manga: After a thorough and detailed discussion of Western sexual mores, tons of other users, like umaruKun, bagira1011, and le_phreaque, agreed with our argument that yuri manga tend to sketch relationships in a more complex and nuanced way.
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Food52, Is It Possible To Replace Goat Cheese With Cream Cheese In Moroccan Briouat RecipeFood52, Is It Possible To Replace Goat Cheese With Cream Cheese In Moroccan Briouat Recipe: Bethooodle1 just kept saying “my gramma’s recipe uses cream cheese,” which isn’t even an argument. If these assholes think they’ll get the same taste and texture out of cream cheese as they will out of goat cheese, then they deserve what’s coming to them.
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MSNBC, Whether Or Not Libtards Are Having A Shitfit Because Real America Has SpokenMSNBC, Whether Or Not Libtards Are Having A Shitfit Because Real America Has Spoken: All the fucking cucks on their cuck website couldn’t handle the truth, even though we spelled it out in a simple enough way that even brainwashed morons like them should have been able to understand.
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Bass Pro Shops, Sizing Of True Fit Camo Short Sleeve T-Shirt For MenBass Pro Shops, Sizing Of True Fit Camo Short Sleeve T-Shirt For Men: We saw someone making a claim about the sizing of the True Fit Camo Short Sleeve T-Shirt For Men that seemed completely wrong, so we had to step in and set the record straight. We probably ended up saving a bunch of people from buying the wrong-size shirt, which is nice.
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All The Lame Recommendations We Got For What To Do In Seattle In 2016
View SlideshowAll The Lame Recommendations We Got For What To Do In Seattle In 2016
Seattle Asian Art MuseumSeattle Asian Art Museum: Sucked.
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Safeco FieldSafeco Field: Seats blew. Mariners lost. And the Mariner Dog was just a normal hot dog that cost $12.99.
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Seattle Great WheelSeattle Great Wheel: It’s a fucking Ferris wheel.
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Seattle Locks CruiseSeattle Locks Cruise: Our cousin recommended this. Apparently, he’s a fucking idiot, because this was terrible.
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Frye Art MuseumFrye Art Museum: Yeah, because what people think of when they hear “Seattle” is “great paintings.”
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Tillicum VillageTillicum Village: Oh great. More fucking fish.
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Feed The Ducks At Lake UnionFeed The Ducks At Lake Union: We suppose this would’ve been great if we’d never seen ducks before. Lame.
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Visit Sarah’s CousinVisit Sarah’s Cousin: Come on, do you honestly think we’re going to use one of the two days we have off to meet up with some guy named Nate you happen to be related to? Jesus.
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Seattle Japanese GardenSeattle Japanese Garden: Didn’t suck as hard as the other recommendations, but still sucked.
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The Space NeedleThe Space Needle: Are you fucking kidding us? You don’t think we know about the Space Needle? Real good recommendation. Fucking idiots.
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Kidnap Mayor Ed Murray And Hold Him For RansomKidnap Mayor Ed Murray And Hold Him For Ransom: He was away on vacation, so we didn’t even get a chance.
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