Best Of Election 2016

1. 
   ‘Please Hold While I Send You Through To Mr. Gilmore,’ Says Jim Gilmore Inside Empty Campaign Office

   
2. 
   ‘I’m Trump All The Way,’ Says Man Who Will Die From Mishandling Fireworks Months Before Election

   
3. 
   Ben Carson Slowly Floats Away From Earth

   
4. 
   Moderator Asks Candidates To Be Specific When Describing Hellscape Country Will Become If They Not Elected

   
5. 
   Jeb Bush Bungles Several Questions On First Day Back At Home

   

1. 
   Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

   
2. 
   Clinton Takes Campaign Staff To Little Hole-In-The-Wall Financial Institution Not Many People Know About

   
3. 
   ‘I Suffer From Severe Psychological Issues And I Need The Help Of Mental Health Professionals,’ Says Trump In Pointed Debate Comeback

   
4. 
   Violence Erupts At Trump Rally After Supporters Clash With Protesting GOP Leaders

   
5. 
   Nation Unable To Recall If Trump Said He’d Personally Fund Abortion Bombings Or If That Just Sounds Right

   

1. 
   If I Could Be Just Completely Honest For A Second, I Believe Exactly What You Believe

   
2. 
   ‘I’d Like You To Post Long, Aggressive Rants On Social Media,’ Says Bernie Sanders In Supporter’s Interpretation Of Speech

   
3. 
   Clinton Throws Flash Grenade To Divert Attention From Question About Senate Voting Record

   
4. 
   Hillary Clinton Bowls Over Catcher To Score Winning Run In Campaign Staff Softball Game

   
5. 
   Trump Sits Down Beside Fire With Quill And Ink For Evening Writing Out Tweets

   

1. 
   Elderly Voter Never Thought She’d Get To See Female Presidential Nominee Called Heartless Ice Bitch During Her Lifetime

   
2. 
   ‘Secretary Clinton Is A Different Person Than Donald Trump,’ Says Bernie Sanders In Ringing Endorsement

   
3. 
   Trump: ‘Remember, This Is Your Last Chance To Get Out Before This Goes Any Further’

   
4. 
   Hillary Clinton: ‘When I Was A Child, Most Special Interest Groups Wouldn’t Even Consider Donating Large Sums Of Money To A Woman’

   
5. 
   Biden Busted In DNC Parking Lot Selling Bootleg ‘I’m With Her’ T-Shirts

   

1. 
   Melania Trump Stumbles Upon Dozens Of Husband’s Haunting, Macabre Self-Portraits

   
2. 
   ‘Why Can I Never Seem To Say The Right Thing?’ Weeps Trump Into Pillow

   
3. 
   Wound-Up Tim Kaine Running Around Clinton Campaign Headquarters In Pajamas

   
4. 
   Trump Sick And Tired Of Mainstream Media Always Trying To Put His Words Into Some Sort Of Context

   
5. 
   Mike Pence Training For Vice Presidential Debate By Hitting Punching Bag With Climate Change Study Taped On Front

   

1. 
   New Heavy-Duty Voting Machine Allows Americans To Take Out Frustration On It Before Casting Ballot

   
2. 
   Clinton Staff Readies EMP Launch To Disable All Nation’s Electronic Devices

   
3. 
   Nation’s Still-Undecided Voters: ‘Help, We Can’t Get Our Car Seatbelts Off’

   
4. 
   Trump Makes Last-Minute Push To Appeal To Whites

   
5. 
   ‘What’s Our Best Path To 270?’ Gary Johnson Asks Campaign Aides Packing Up Office

   

1. 
   Nation Elects First Black-Hearted President

   
2. 
   Report: It Still Nowhere Near Okay To Act Like Donald Trump